F like Fall & Frustration

Hey ! 

I'm having my first proper day off this month and where else would I be spending it than in a Starbucks cafe with my laptop, newest issue of the Céci magazine, and a huge cup of iced chai latte (that I ran out of already like an hour ago). I've had a poll going on on my blog for the last few weeks now and most of you guys would like to hear more about my daily life here in Korea. My days pretty much follow the same pattern day after day excluding some events or outings with my friends during the weekends, but from now on I will try to carry my camera around more and capture more of just daily moments of my life. 

Continuing with the daily life topic to be honest I've been going through a quite an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of weeks, topped with midterm exam - stress and trying to wait and hope someone wants to rent our apartment so we get to move away this month. 

When I left to Japan for a year our exchange student organization kept telling us how we need to prepare ourselves for a culture shock. Well I did, and it never came. This time around I definitely did not prepare myself for one and it did come. 9 months too late. I've been in Korea for almost a year now and it has slowly changed into an actual home instead of the oh god Korea is so cool this is my home - home. If that makes any sense. The more I learn the language the more I start to actually understand this culture, community and also its problems and down sides. It's not just cool clubs, fun days with friends and sitting in cafes enjoying life and wondering how lucky I am to be here. Even though I'm a pretty down-to-earth type of a person, I've been floating just a bit above the ground in a way, seeing mostly just the good things in this country. 

Korea is an incredibly shallow country. Looks are everything here. People will tell you how they think about you right at your face. People will judge you by how you look. People will choose friends by appearance. Now this does not apply on everyone, but this happens. A lot. After living here for a while I am not against plastic surgery anymore, I root for it, goddamn it. If girls here listen to this criticism about their looks for 18 years I do not question the least bit their decision to go fix their nose or eyes as a graduation present. You go girls. Be pretty, be proud. It must've been so hard growing up here your whole life, if after 9 months of studying in this country even I find myself standing in front of the mirror thinking of all the things I could fix about myself and how to save money for a plastic surgery. (Yes, this has happened several times.) This country will, excuse the expression, fuck you up. In the end it's just something you need to learn to cope with. I'm still learning, and it will probably take me a while, too. 
Another thing I've come to understand during the last few weeks is that no matter how hard I try, no matter how fluent I become in Korean, I will always be "that foreigner" to people here. Feels tough to think that in few years even when I feel completely comfortable here, it will never completely show outside. It's impossible to blend in.

In the end feeling like you belong depends a lot on the people you surround yourself with, I realized, so that's what I've decided to do. Surround myself with friends who accept me as I am and make me feel like I'm part of the group no matter what color my eyes are. Friends who aren't my friends because I can teach them English, or because they think I am just an easy foreigner who can be used and then thrown away like garbage. This might sound really harsh, but it's nothing more than a sad fact that probably everyone who has lived here has noticed. Living in another country really makes you realize the importance of friends.  I already have a lot of friends like that, and I am thankful for them everyday.

Our apartment lease ends next January and Sara is planning to move somewhere in Sinchon or Idae, and I want to get an apartment from around Kondae or Gangnam. We've been trying to rent our apartment forward to new people for about a month now, but nothing's happening. I quit dancing for this month in case we have to move, but looks like I have to skip the lessons next month too. I'm leaving to Finland for a winter vacation & Christmas for 2 months on the 1st of December. Before that, no matter if the apartment will get rented by new people or not, I have to pack all my stuff in boxes and leave them at my friend's house and sell or throw away most of my furniture. Which is gonna be a big project I am not particularly looking forward to. But I am looking forward to getting a whole new small apartment next year that's close to school and Gangnam and the dance studio. I was a complete Hongdae person when I came to Korea but I've been slowly getting addicted with Gangnam so I can't wait to get to spend more time in that beautiful area. 

My midterms went well, I think. We're getting the results back next week. This is my last language school level and next year I am starting my university studies. Yet another thing that's constantly in the back of my head making me worried on some level. I've been trying to learn extra much words lately, reading books, magazines and watching a lot of Korean drama trying to improve my listening skills. I'm not gonna study the last level, level 6, so instead I'm planning to buy the book and go through it by myself during my Finland vacation. There's still so much to learn. I don't remember if I've mentioned this here on my blog but I got the -50% scholarship, and unless I keep my grades up it will be taken away from me, which is why I need to study extra hard. Also I've always been a good student and liked studying so unless things go smoothly next year I will probably lose my mind, hahah. 

All in all though, despite some hardships I've been going through lately I'm still enjoying my life here in Korea more than anything. The more I am here the easier and comfortable everything gets, so I'm feeling positive! I'm already looking forward next year and I have so much blogging plans! Hopefully I will get a new camera this Christmas (because until now I've been using Sara's camera and when we move apart I will end up with no camera at all) so I can also start video blogging and widen my territory to Youtube, too. That's been something I've wanted to try for a long time already. 

So that's pretty much how my life has been for the last few weeks. Living alone for the first time and doing it on the other side of the world has definitely not been easy, and there's a lot of stuff in addition that I don't write here, small daily things, that just really make life here tough at times, but if you ask me it's all worth it. I get a lot of questions on tumblr if life here is cool, if studying here is easy, if I'd recommend moving here. No. I do not recommend it. I'd recommend you to come here as an exchange student first, then think again if you want to come live here as a regular student. Sure airplanes go back and forth all continents every day and you can give up whenever but moving here is a big thing. So instead of asking me if you're ready for it, think about if yourself really, really hard before making big decisions like that. It's not impossible and yes this is amazing but it requires a lot, a whole lot of determination and energy and work to deal with everything. The first year is gonna be hard but I believe it gets a lot easier after that. 

Now I'm gonna go get some lunch and then start writing another blog post. I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday and hopefully my post didn't completely kill your mood, hahah! 

P.s pictures on this post were taken yesterday in Yangpyeong during our field trip. Gonna write about it to you guys later this weekend or next week! 

xx,
Julia